We Are ALL Average.

Here’s something that I’ve thought about for a while now. In fact, I first came up with this idea during my first year of college. Here is where I elaborate.

In my first blog post, I made a comment about how I feel when people think I’m smart because of my major. I also said it would be a conversation for another day; I guess that day is today. I actually get a little irritated when they say that, and now you’ll know why, because here is the theory that I’ve come up with:

One of the secrets to being happy and satisfied with life is learning how to be okay with being “average.”

Well, to make you more “okay” with it, I’m going to redefine the meaning of “average.” From this point on, you’re going to hear a lot of references to school. (Deal with it.)

I REALLY don’t like to think of myself as smart; that doesn’t mean that I think I’m stupid either. I decided to pursue a career in Biochemistry because 1) the subject and its capabilities is incredibly fascinating to me, 2) my academic strengths happen to be math and science, where ideas may be a little abstract, and 3) if I needed to support myself and/or my family, I could. I’m not doing it because I’m smart, and it would be easier for me to do this as opposed to another field of work. I’m going into this, realizing that there are going to be people that are way “smarter” than me.

While you may be really good at something, there will almost always be someone better. That’s just a fact of life. But in my opinion, that’s the issue; we always want to be the best. That is our goal. We are so obsessed with being “the best” that we aren’t satisfied with being “good enough.” We never want to be average. But you know what? I know I’m average, and I’m perfectly okay with that, because first of all, being average means that there is PLENTY of room for growth. Second of all, being the “best” means that there’s only one way to go; down. How discouraging. But it doesn’t have to be.

Throughout high school, I was always so angry when grades came out because I always (LITERALLY) got ONE B. All A’s except for that dang B! This curse started the first quarter of my freshman year of high school. I was taking a lot of classes, 0 to 7^th block, so it was a decent work load. But guess what my first B was in… P.E.  Oh I know what you’re saying, “How do you get a B in P.E?!” Trust me.

I know.

You want to know how I earned a B? (Even if you don’t I’m still gonna tell you.) I had a hairline fracture in my leg, and it kind of hurt! So I got a doctor’s note that excused me from participating, but I would still have to make it up later. Well, that would have been fine if it would have actually been healed by the time I needed to make those days up. Surprise. It didn’t. Hence, the B.

I’m still just a little bitter about it, in case you can’t tell. But it was something that was completely out of my control.

I struggled with it for the rest of high school. Every time I got that one B, that little voice in my head reminded me that even though I was “good,” I wasn’t good enough to be the “best.” Instead of being proud of myself for getting good grades, I got frustrated with myself for falling short, and it all started with that stupid B in P.E.

I know that this probably isn’t a new concept, but what I’m trying to say goes past just “falling short” of the best and learning to be ok with it, since you did your best. I’m sure you did, but what are you “falling short” of? Earning a 4.0 GPA? Because the truth is, there’s someone else that’s better, and then someone better than that person, and so on and so forth. So, (now I’m using some physics concepts. You can tell I love science. Nerd) relative to each individual person, they are ALL average. So what, you’re more average than that average person?

If you compared yourself to others in a small group (such as a class), you’d probably be able to put yourself on a definite scale of intelligence. But if you look at the big picture, it would be impossible to do so. To better illustrate what I mean, I’m going to liken this to:

 THE UNIVERSE.

(Cue dramatic music. Go listen to "The Planets-Mars" by Gustav Holst. Listen to the whole thing. You won't regret it. I PROMISE.)

 

(I just felt like comparing something to the universe was so dramatic that it needed a dramatic introduction. Also, my knowledge of astronomy might be a little dated. So if I’m wrong, just go with it, because it fits my analogy perfectly.)

Everything in the universe is moving out and away from each other. If you were to put all planetary bodies in a straight line, and put yourself on one of those objects, it would seem as though everything from your left and right was moving away from you (much like how there will be people “better” than you at something, as well as “worse”). But put yourself on one of those other “moving” objects that you see (slash, put yourself in someone else’s shoes), and you would see the exact same thing. I would seem that everything is moving away from you, and you are stationary. But regardless of what you see you are still moving. You aren’t moving towards or away from anything, you just “are.” (I know it doesn’t make sense, but it does in my mind)

“This person is moving forward, doing this and that, and I’m just stuck here.” Nope. That is an invalid statement.

ANY comparison you make between yourself and another person is completely invalid; you’re still moving. So put yourself on one of those planetary objects, and instead of thinking about what’s happening on your left and right, just consider you; consider the big picture. You are just like them. You are moving. And maybe, if you’d just pause for a second, you’d actually be able to feel it.

Think about it.

We always look at our abilities in comparison to what other people are doing. Always. And if you don’t think you do, then I don’t believe you; we can’t help it! Sometimes we don’t even think about it negatively, either.

“That person’s best is better than my best, and I guess that’s ok.” Well that’s fine, “I guess,” but what I truly believe is that we shouldn’t EVER consider what other people are doing.

“This is my best. I have done all I can do.” There. Just leave it at that. Don’t even think about whether or not it’s good compared to another person. I PROMISE you, God doesn’t care what your best is compared to someone else’s best, and neither should you. (Good grief, how many times can someone say “best?” Well, not enough apparently, ‘cause I ain’t done yet.)

You did your best. They did their best. Therefore, you are EQUALS. You both did all you could do, so just leave it as it is. And because of that, along with my “universe” analogy, we are all just “average.” So no, studying biochemistry doesn’t mean I’m smart. And if I am smart, then so are you; they only thing that’s different is our interests.

At first, I was going to say “don’t even make goals!” I decided that wasn’t a good idea. But I would hope that we could make goals differently. “One day, I want to be as smart as Bill Gates.” That’s respectable, I guess. But it’s a goal based on what someone else has done. Instead, make goals without any preconceptions of what other people have done. Difficult, I know, because we already know what others are capable of, but I truly believe that this could make us purely satisfied with how “successful” we are. Take a class with the goal of learning about the subject. Just forget than there are other students in the class. Don’t even make it a goal to get an A, because then you’re judging yourself based on a system. Don’t even EXPECT to get an A if you try your hardest; just learn all you possibly can. If you do all you can to learn about the subject, then you might get the A, but you might not.

I’ll admit that I hate that there’s even a way to measure if someone is the “top of their class.” I’m not trying to negate everything that that person has done to get there, but that means that thousands of students “fell short.” Some of those students may have worked just as hard, if not harder than, that one individual. And it obviously isn’t true; if someone didn’t graduate at the top of their class, it doesn’t mean that they failed or didn’t try hard enough. And I don’t believe that their effort was greater than mine, but I may see it that way. This obviously applies to more than just school, but in the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, “you are smart enough to make unspoken applications.”

So here we are. We are equals, just working within our own capacity, and no comparison should EVER be made. That is such a relieving thought to me, and I hope it is to someone else. I am equal to Bill Gates, and any other famous or successful person in the world; my best is just as good as their best.

So yes, I am a Biochemistry student.

No, that doesn’t mean I’m smart.

I am perfectly average,

And I am more than okay with that.

Master of my Fate

This week has been kind of weird. I feel different, but it’s a good kind of different. I’ve felt like I have at least SOME control of my life again. YAY! What good news!

But I was writing some of my more personal thoughts down yesterday that had been kind of a revelation to me. In the process of writing down this “A-Ha” moment, I had unintentionally made an account of my life up to that point. It wasn’t an account of things that have happened in my life as much as it was the account of the experiences that brought me to, and conditioned me for, this point in my life; but I didn’t quite make it past all the painful experiences. I was trying to write it all down to make a point to myself, but instead, I became emotionally exhausted. It was the first time that I had truly reflected on how I became so intensely miserable, and all of the feelings literally came FLOODING back. The pain almost felt as intense as it had been just months ago; it was just too real for me. That experience was not a tiny blip in the scheme of life. It wasn’t just a setback. It brought my life and progression to an abrupt HALT. That wasn’t just someone that I used to be. That was me.

Major side-note: I feel like we oftentimes discount our experiences because we have learned from them and changed in the process. At that time in my life my feelings were my reality, and I’m not going to look back and say, “well, I was just being silly and unreasonable and I know better now.” If we don’t accept that those experiences were real and forget how deeply they affected us and made us feel, then I believe we are in great danger of repeating our own history. Don’t dwell in the past, but remember how it felt.

And it hurt.

It was painful, and the pain of the experience overwhelmed my heart once again. Needless to say, it kind of ruined my day.

But I’ve slept it off. I went to church; I felt rejuvenated. I realize now that it was probably a good thing that those feelings came back as intensely as they did, because now the point I was originally trying to make is that much more meaningful to me. I feel as if it was necessary in order to understand an extremely important concept that I NEED to remember. I’m not going to share with you in great detail the depth of my experiences and how they brought me here, and I originally wasn’t going to share the revelation that I had (mostly because it really isn’t anything new), but I feel as if this is an important concept that we could all be reminded of. Plus, I don’t want this to happen to anyone else, and if someone somewhere at some time can benefit from my experience then I’ve done my duty. You’re welcome. Anyways.

• The most important opinion in your life must be your own.
• The most important person in your life must be yourself.
•   The only person you need to live for is yourself.

(God, of course, is exempt. You should definitely care about his opinion.)

Whoa there lady, isn’t that kind of selfish? Nope. Because in the process of learning to take care of yourself and your emotional health, you will gain the confidence that you need to move forward with less stress. And from that point, you can focus more on others and their well-being because you’re already taken care of. I know that it isn’t that simple. But even if you don’t listen to a word I say, I’m still going to say it because I’m trying to do this thing where I keep myself accountable; if you take every opportunity you have to tear yourself down, you will definitely succeed in tearing yourself down (sounds dumb, but it makes sense in my head).

If you are so consumed with trying to make people happy, you WILL fail. Not only because you really can’t make everyone happy, but because in the process, you will make yourself absolutely miserable. In fact, the best thing you can do to make people happy is to take care of yourself. When you are satisfied with your life, do you just hide in a closet and keep it to yourself? Not usually. In fact, you will gain even more satisfaction when you share it. You will be able to do more good when you are content with being a perfectly average person.

I feel like I’m just regurgitating ideas that have already been said. You hear quotes all the time about being true to yourself, but just hearing it or reading it isn’t enough. It took a kind of mortifying experience to snap myself out of it, and really listen to what people have been saying. Obviously, God thought that my opinion of myself was just unacceptable, and I needed to learn a lesson. I don’t say that with any bitterness at all; Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and he knows I’m kind of a “hands-on” learner. So he gave me a “hands-on” lesson.

It was NOT okay that I was trying to make myself someone that could “fit in” with the average crowd. By doing everything I could to make others happy, I was sacrificing my heart and spirit. I thought my worth was determined by how people saw me. I wanted people to think that I was kind and warm and approachable, because that’s what people like! Positive energy is just downright attractive to people! But I felt like it wasn’t working, so that obviously meant that I was therefore rude, cold, and unapproachable.

For some stupid reason, I thought that if people didn’t think something of me, I was then the opposite. I used a scientific process to determine my worth. IF I can’t make myself a desirable person (which would be measured, of course, by the number of friends I had), THEN I would be marked as the opposite; undesirable. If I’m not one thing, then I must be the other.

But here’s the good part (sarcasm): even if someone told me otherwise, or tried to pay me a compliment, it went in one ear and out the other. Why? I’m stubborn; but also because I had no proof. There was no proof that I was any of those things, so I obviously wasn’t.

And that was just the beginning; there was a lot more to it than just not having friends, but it was one of the things that had led me to my lowest point. But even amidst my misery, there was one thing about me that I had known, but can now accept.

I can feel things so deeply it actually hurts, regardless of whether it’s good or bad. Some may consider this a good trait, but I’ll tell you right now, it sometimes feels more like a burden than a blessing. Just trust me on that (but I know I’m not the only one like this. Yeah, you know who you are, even if I don’t). But because I’ve been to a point of overwhelming darkness, and have felt so low, I am fully capable of the opposite. I KNOW that I can offer an overwhelming amount of love.

Maybe, before this experience, I was incapable of feeling such love. But I feel that love that I’m capable of every single day; it has brought me to tears multiple times. Not because I’m feeling the depth of what I’ve been through, but because I know the point of it all now. Understanding why I needed to have this experience brings peace to my otherwise restless mind. I am incredibly more sensitive to suffering and heartache, and I, for the first time, consider my own heartache a blessing; it’s an enormous blessing to come out on top. One day, when I’m back on my feet, I’m going to be able to use that love for someone other than myself. So I guess there’s another moral to this story:

The bitterness that life will bring broadens our capacity for feeling.

I don’t care if you think I’m an idiot for just now realizing this, because in life, we all basically learn the same lessons. That’s why certain quotes are really popular; they speak to all of us because they apply to all of us. But HOW and WHEN we learn these lessons are going to differ from one individual to the next. So I don’t have to feel bad about that! Ahaha! What a relief that is! Take that, people-that-may-or-may-not-judge-me! You can’t make me feel bad because I’ve been there and done that, and quite frankly, you ain’t worth it!

Mmkay. Deep breaths.

I’m going to let someone else do the talking now. This is my all-time favorite poem, and basically my favorite words to have ever been written. Like, ever. Not only that, but this is exactly what I’m trying to say. So thank you, William Ernest Henley. You da man.

No matter what happens, you have control over your life and how you live it. Please don’t give that control to those who don’t recognize they have it (I hope that makes sense).

Through all of this I haven’t really changed; I just have more confidence in the person I’ve always been. The only thing I’m changing is who I allow to influence me.

Although scarred, I remain unconquered.

“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

Behind the Title

Being human? That doesn’t quite roll of the tongue, and it’s not quite poetic. Being alive? That’s a song; a great song. So it’s obviously poetic. And I hear that all the time, “live your life.” Yes, do that. I know it’s supposed to mean more than just physically living, but in my gut, I just have a slight problem with that phrase.

Physically living: Elephants do it. Dogs do it. Cockroaches do it (even though we all know they shouldn’t). Even trees and simple plant life do it, and that is great and wonderful, but people are alive as well. So what’s to say we aren’t just like every other living thing on the planet?

What is the underlying trait that makes humans different from any other organism in the world? Here is my opinion:

Passion.

As far as I can tell, no other creature on earth is capable of feeling the kind of deep, complex passion that humans can, and have the capability of being able to express such a feeling; it’s simply electric. We can write things that provoke thought and reason. We can create art and beauty that can open our eyes to something that we may have never otherwise considered. And we can create music that arouse emotion we were previously unaware of; if you’re someone that loves music, then I think you know what I’m talking about (if you don’t, I’ll talk about it later). But that’s just considering the arts. Human curiosity has paved the way for developments in science and technology that alter our opinions of reality. It is our ability to feel passionate about something that allows us to develop as a species.

But not everyone chooses to explore their capacity for passion. In fact, from what I can tell from humanity is that the only exploration of passion that seems to be occurring is primarily physical. Please please please, understand that I’m not trying to offend anyone on an individual level. We are all guilty of at least FEELING this way, and I’m certainly not exempt. But this is my problem with humanity; it does nothing for the development mankind.

There is absolutely no growth that comes from exercising animalistic values. Being in non-committal “relationships” with multiple partners is, in my opinion, one of the very basic traits of every other species on this earth; their goal is to continue the existence of their race. The difference between us and every other animal is that they do not have birth control. They’re trying to get the pretty little lady pregnant. They don’t have the option of getting rid of an unexpected birth if it is undesired or inconvenient, and if we choose to do so, that is exactly what can make us inferior to all else on earth. If that is how we choose to live, then we are merely animals.

I’m not trying to attack men at all, because women are to blame as well. And I’m not saying everyone is like this, because that would be far from true. BUT, I hear it from all kinds of people; psychologists, evolutionary scientists, “Hollywood,” and the common man. They all say that it’s a part of the nature of the male species to be with multiple partners. The evidence they use is obviously from every other species on the planet; and they’re not wrong. Like I previously said, the primary goal of all life is to continue the existence of their species. But the point I’m trying to make here is that WE ARE NOT LIKE OTHER SPECIES. You cannot use the excuse of “that’s just the way men are” to rationalize animalistic behavior. And women, you can’t let them use that excuse. “Well, men have needs.” No.

You stop it, right now.

If you expect them to act like dogs, they will act like dogs. Literally. And you know what, it’s not just men. Women are just as much to blame. More and more frequently are women becoming promiscuous because they also have “needs.” I don’t know if it’s because they’re trying to prove that they can be just as strong, or just as irresponsible as men, but all they have are horribly misguided justifications.

Again, I digress.

Yes, I’m being really harsh. But I’m just as passionate about the fault of man as I am about the potential of man. Let me elaborate on the point I have previously made: To truly be human means to do more than just exist, multiply, and die. It actually means taking upon yourself some responsibility and not using your “human nature” as an excuse.

To be human is to have potential. It’s to actually ACT on that potential and utilize our passions to create something. It’s to think and reason and develop ideas that can influence the lives of others or maybe just your own. It’s so much more than being alive. We are awesome. I just get frustrated when we don’t realize how wonderful it is to live like this, and when we take our passion for granted. I’m sure you all are just sick of hearing that word; passion. Passion passion passion. Now it probably sounds funny. So I’ll try to end this as soon as my mind stops. No promises.

 In a round-about way, what I’m trying to say here is that that’s what I’m doing here. That’s why I’ve created this “public journal.”

I’m BEING HUMAN.

Or at least I’m trying to be. I’ve been writing down my thoughts for some time now, but what I’ve come to realize is that there is not as much relief in just writing it down; I’m still the only one that knows. I’m the only one that hears what’s in my head, even if it is written down. I don’t truly feel like I’ve had the burden lifted until it’s shared. YOU all get to deal with the burden now. Suckers. (Sorry, not sorry)

I’m passionate, and I want others to see the world like I do, because I LOVE this world despite its flaws. There is so MUCH good! Being human is such an extraordinary privilege that I just want EVERYONE to want to be passionate. (You see all the CAPITAL LETTERS and italics I'm using? That's so you know I'm serious. I may abuse it, but there ain't nothin' ya'll can do about it. Just know I mean business.)

If we don’t exercise our right and privilege to exercise passion then we are no better than termites. Next time you meet someone that is extremely passionate for something that you are passionately against, just be grateful and respect the fact that they are exercising their humanity. Who cares if you don’t agree with their values? You sure don’t have to love their opinions, but you should love the fact that they are passionate. 

And please, for heaven’s sake, be respectful of that. 

If we can’t agree on everything, then we should at least be respectful. If we can just stop hating long enough to acknowledge our similarities, then there wouldn’t be any room to hate. You may support a woman’s choice to abort a child, and while I don’t necessarily agree with you, I still love and respect you because I have no right not to. You are human just like me, fighting for something just like me. You may brush off my respect simply because we have differing opinions, but that WILL NOT change how I feel. And please, if neither of you are going to budge on your opinions, then stop arguing about it. I think the world is plenty full of verbal pollution, and your contribution isn’t necessary (or mine or anyone's for that matter). I believe bitter arguments can always be avoided, especially if we make a conscious effort to do so. Will it? Probably not, but a girl can always hope. And I always will.

I am very hard on what I see to be the reality of our society on earth at the moment, but that's because I see the incredible potential that we have as a race. Tigers have always been the same since the beginning of their existence. Dolphins have always been the same. Ants have always been the same. They eat, sleep, multiply, and try to survive. They, in essence, are only alive. We, as humans, have been growing and changing since our creation. And that, my friends, is why I believe that we were not just a miraculous feat of evolution. In fact, I REFUSE to believe it. I would actually be upset if we were just a bi-product of the evolution of apes. Even if I’m wrong, I’m going to continue to believe I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, because the alternative would certainly make me feel uneasy, unhappy, and insignificant. But, we do have a divine creator; there’s no way we couldn’t.

Physically, we have been the same since creation, but we are so very different. If the evolution of technology isn’t proof of that, then I don’t know what is. Do you see apes creating the “next big thing?”

Nope.

They aren’t human.

It is our responsibility to NOT simply be an existing species. Feeling passionate about something, or anything, is the best way we are going to be able to separate ourselves from the rest of life on earth. It's not the only way, by any means. But it is the best.

We are human; it’s about time we acted like it.