Master of my Fate

This week has been kind of weird. I feel different, but it’s a good kind of different. I’ve felt like I have at least SOME control of my life again. YAY! What good news!

But I was writing some of my more personal thoughts down yesterday that had been kind of a revelation to me. In the process of writing down this “A-Ha” moment, I had unintentionally made an account of my life up to that point. It wasn’t an account of things that have happened in my life as much as it was the account of the experiences that brought me to, and conditioned me for, this point in my life; but I didn’t quite make it past all the painful experiences. I was trying to write it all down to make a point to myself, but instead, I became emotionally exhausted. It was the first time that I had truly reflected on how I became so intensely miserable, and all of the feelings literally came FLOODING back. The pain almost felt as intense as it had been just months ago; it was just too real for me. That experience was not a tiny blip in the scheme of life. It wasn’t just a setback. It brought my life and progression to an abrupt HALT. That wasn’t just someone that I used to be. That was me.

Major side-note: I feel like we oftentimes discount our experiences because we have learned from them and changed in the process. At that time in my life my feelings were my reality, and I’m not going to look back and say, “well, I was just being silly and unreasonable and I know better now.” If we don’t accept that those experiences were real and forget how deeply they affected us and made us feel, then I believe we are in great danger of repeating our own history. Don’t dwell in the past, but remember how it felt.

And it hurt.

It was painful, and the pain of the experience overwhelmed my heart once again. Needless to say, it kind of ruined my day.

But I’ve slept it off. I went to church; I felt rejuvenated. I realize now that it was probably a good thing that those feelings came back as intensely as they did, because now the point I was originally trying to make is that much more meaningful to me. I feel as if it was necessary in order to understand an extremely important concept that I NEED to remember. I’m not going to share with you in great detail the depth of my experiences and how they brought me here, and I originally wasn’t going to share the revelation that I had (mostly because it really isn’t anything new), but I feel as if this is an important concept that we could all be reminded of. Plus, I don’t want this to happen to anyone else, and if someone somewhere at some time can benefit from my experience then I’ve done my duty. You’re welcome. Anyways.

• The most important opinion in your life must be your own.
• The most important person in your life must be yourself.
•   The only person you need to live for is yourself.

(God, of course, is exempt. You should definitely care about his opinion.)

Whoa there lady, isn’t that kind of selfish? Nope. Because in the process of learning to take care of yourself and your emotional health, you will gain the confidence that you need to move forward with less stress. And from that point, you can focus more on others and their well-being because you’re already taken care of. I know that it isn’t that simple. But even if you don’t listen to a word I say, I’m still going to say it because I’m trying to do this thing where I keep myself accountable; if you take every opportunity you have to tear yourself down, you will definitely succeed in tearing yourself down (sounds dumb, but it makes sense in my head).

If you are so consumed with trying to make people happy, you WILL fail. Not only because you really can’t make everyone happy, but because in the process, you will make yourself absolutely miserable. In fact, the best thing you can do to make people happy is to take care of yourself. When you are satisfied with your life, do you just hide in a closet and keep it to yourself? Not usually. In fact, you will gain even more satisfaction when you share it. You will be able to do more good when you are content with being a perfectly average person.

I feel like I’m just regurgitating ideas that have already been said. You hear quotes all the time about being true to yourself, but just hearing it or reading it isn’t enough. It took a kind of mortifying experience to snap myself out of it, and really listen to what people have been saying. Obviously, God thought that my opinion of myself was just unacceptable, and I needed to learn a lesson. I don’t say that with any bitterness at all; Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and he knows I’m kind of a “hands-on” learner. So he gave me a “hands-on” lesson.

It was NOT okay that I was trying to make myself someone that could “fit in” with the average crowd. By doing everything I could to make others happy, I was sacrificing my heart and spirit. I thought my worth was determined by how people saw me. I wanted people to think that I was kind and warm and approachable, because that’s what people like! Positive energy is just downright attractive to people! But I felt like it wasn’t working, so that obviously meant that I was therefore rude, cold, and unapproachable.

For some stupid reason, I thought that if people didn’t think something of me, I was then the opposite. I used a scientific process to determine my worth. IF I can’t make myself a desirable person (which would be measured, of course, by the number of friends I had), THEN I would be marked as the opposite; undesirable. If I’m not one thing, then I must be the other.

But here’s the good part (sarcasm): even if someone told me otherwise, or tried to pay me a compliment, it went in one ear and out the other. Why? I’m stubborn; but also because I had no proof. There was no proof that I was any of those things, so I obviously wasn’t.

And that was just the beginning; there was a lot more to it than just not having friends, but it was one of the things that had led me to my lowest point. But even amidst my misery, there was one thing about me that I had known, but can now accept.

I can feel things so deeply it actually hurts, regardless of whether it’s good or bad. Some may consider this a good trait, but I’ll tell you right now, it sometimes feels more like a burden than a blessing. Just trust me on that (but I know I’m not the only one like this. Yeah, you know who you are, even if I don’t). But because I’ve been to a point of overwhelming darkness, and have felt so low, I am fully capable of the opposite. I KNOW that I can offer an overwhelming amount of love.

Maybe, before this experience, I was incapable of feeling such love. But I feel that love that I’m capable of every single day; it has brought me to tears multiple times. Not because I’m feeling the depth of what I’ve been through, but because I know the point of it all now. Understanding why I needed to have this experience brings peace to my otherwise restless mind. I am incredibly more sensitive to suffering and heartache, and I, for the first time, consider my own heartache a blessing; it’s an enormous blessing to come out on top. One day, when I’m back on my feet, I’m going to be able to use that love for someone other than myself. So I guess there’s another moral to this story:

The bitterness that life will bring broadens our capacity for feeling.

I don’t care if you think I’m an idiot for just now realizing this, because in life, we all basically learn the same lessons. That’s why certain quotes are really popular; they speak to all of us because they apply to all of us. But HOW and WHEN we learn these lessons are going to differ from one individual to the next. So I don’t have to feel bad about that! Ahaha! What a relief that is! Take that, people-that-may-or-may-not-judge-me! You can’t make me feel bad because I’ve been there and done that, and quite frankly, you ain’t worth it!

Mmkay. Deep breaths.

I’m going to let someone else do the talking now. This is my all-time favorite poem, and basically my favorite words to have ever been written. Like, ever. Not only that, but this is exactly what I’m trying to say. So thank you, William Ernest Henley. You da man.

No matter what happens, you have control over your life and how you live it. Please don’t give that control to those who don’t recognize they have it (I hope that makes sense).

Through all of this I haven’t really changed; I just have more confidence in the person I’ve always been. The only thing I’m changing is who I allow to influence me.

Although scarred, I remain unconquered.

“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”