Let Me Explain...

I hardly ever talk to people. Not because I don’t like meeting people, or don’t care about them, because I do. But you know the feeling when you first meet someone? I know you do. It’s awkward, and you’re either good at making conversation, or you have no idea what to say; there isn’t much in between. I usually find myself in the “no idea what to say” group, or even, “I really have nothing to say.” How are you supposed to remove yourself from that situation?! Just walk away? Nope, because that would be awkward. So don’t judge me if I’m quiet, I’m not always like this.

I digress. You’ll find that I do that a lot, so you should probably be okay with it.

The reason why I don’t like to talk to new people is because I just really hate small talk. However, going to school has pretty much forced me to hone my small talking skills. It’s super simple; just follow this simple list of questions, and if you’re lucky, thinking won’t be required. You’ll be able to have a conversation like every other person at this school (you BYU-I people, don’t deny the fact that you’ve had conversations pretty much exactly like this).

“What’s your name?” Camille.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Sally Swashbuckle!” Nice to meet you.

“So where are you from?” Southern Oregon (because let’s be honest, hardly ANYONE has heard of Medford, which is a pity). Where are you from?

“Africa.” Sweet, I’ve always wanted to go there.

“It’s awesome.” Cool. What’s your Major?

“I’m in elementary education!” Sweet! I have like, 20 friends in that major! (No offense ladies, it was just the first major I thought of, and don’t pretend like you don’t know why)

“What’s your major?” Biochemistry.

“Wow… good for you!” (That is what the majority of people say to me, and I never know how to take it.) Thanks…?

Or if it’s a special occasion, people will say to me,

“So you’re like, really smart.” *cue internal sigh of minor irritation* No, in fact, that doesn’t mean I’m smart, it may just mean I’m crazy for picking that major. But that will be a discussion for another day.

*awkward silence for a couple moments*

“What track are you on?” (I mean really, unless it’s a man/woman talking to a potential spouse, this question is pretty much irrelevant) I’m on Fall/Winter.

“Sweet. Me too.” Sweet.

At this point in the conversation, either you’ve found some kind of tangent to go off of and you might have a decent conversation, or you’ll wait in awkward silence until you are relieved by the teacher starting class. Whew. Glad that’s over.

Alright alright alright. I’m not trying to be critical of small talk, because we have to get passed it if we’re going to get to know each other on a more personal level. Not all conversations are going to be like this, and very few are actually that painful/dull; I know. But I have had this conversation sooooo manyyyyy tiiiiiimes, I might just stop them before they even start. It’s not just that I’m sick of having this conversation; it’s that I’ve never liked it. I just have very little patience for small talk, and it’s mostly because of my personality.

Note: Here’s where it gets a little more personal. Proceed with caution.

If you were to look up the definition of an introvert, you would most likely find my name and picture there. If you don’t know what that means, here’s a couple hints:

• We all now know that I hate small talk, but I absolutely love meaningful conversation. I thrive on it.
• Rarely will you ever see me at a dance or a party where I don’t know the majority of the people there.
• When I do go to parties, you probably won’t see much of me the next couple days. If you need me, I’ll be in my room.
• If you were to have a class with me, you would think that I was super quiet and shy. I’m not usually going to share insights because I need time to think. By the time I think of something to say, the topic will have long passed, or class might be over. Just give me some time and an opportunity and I’ll talk your ears off.
• I don’t open up to people easily. So if I open up to you, consider yourself lucky.

PLEASE NOTE: JUST BECAUSE I’M BAD AT SMALL-TALK DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Please, DO talk to me. Just realize I’m most likely not going to be the one initiating the conversation. So here is the first point I’m trying to make: I’m an introvert. This isn’t earth-shattering news; most people know this about me. Well, let me take you a little deeper.

Note: Here’s where it get even more personal. Only proceed if you care. If you are simply curious, please proceed with an open mind and free of judgment.

You might be wondering what this is all about. Why am I doing all of this? I don’t open up to people really, so why am I making a blog? Hopefully, with some patience on both our parts, I can answer all of that for you. Get comfortable.

Have you ever taken the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)? Have you even heard of it? If you haven’t, Google it. It’s basically an assessment of your psychological preferences, based on how you view the world and make decisions. It does not involve the same science used to determine your horoscopes; it’s based on psychological research. So just keep that in mind.

If you haven’t taken that test, I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you do. It really shouldn’t tell you anything new. If it doesn’t sound like you, then take it again and be honest this time; it may end up putting all the pieces together. I had been meeting with a counselor, and she encouraged me to take this test. When I took the test, and was read the description of my specific personality, it was not a surprise. I basically already knew my personality, but I was unaware that it was actually a “type.”

My whole life, I’ve felt very different from other people (I’m not over exaggerating.  I’m saying like, ever since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, the time in your life where you start interacting with people on a regular basis). Half the reason I have a hard time talking to people is because since I feel so mentally different, I actually feel physically different, so small-talk is physically painful. The hardest part about that is that I could never explain why; why do I feel like I’m on a completely different level than my peers?

For anyone that’s curious, my personality type, based on the MBTI, is INFJ. I’m not going to go into extreme detail about it, or what the letters mean, so if you’re really that curious, just go look it up. I do, however, want to share a couple characteristics so I can better explain why the heck I’m writing all of this (these points were taken from the internet, I didn’t make up this crap).

• INFJs are intensely idealistic, and can clearly imagine a happier and more perfect future
• INFJs want a meaningful life and deep connections with other people
• INFJs are not afraid of complex personal problems; in fact, they are quite complex themselves, and have a rich inner life that few are privy to
• Because INFJs are such complex people, they may be reluctant to engage with others who might not understand or appreciate them, and can thus be hard to get to know
• They are often talented at making connections to bring people together and integrate ideas, values, and human potential.
• The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed

And finally:

• INFJ is the rarest type in the population, comprising of only 1-2 percent of the general population (I’ve also heard they’re just one of the rarest. Either way, you get the point).

Welp. There’s my answer. Why do I feel so different?

I FEEL different because I AM different.

Believe it or not, despite feeling lonely because of my “uniqueness,” I’ve actually found some peace knowing that it wasn’t in my head; my intuitions were justified, so I’m not crazy! But that barrier I put up between myself and the world has created a lot of problems.

When I’m emotional about something, it’s physical. When I’m happy or excited, I can’t stop moving. And on the other end of the spectrum, if I’m miserable, I can’t stop moving. And then there’s everything else in between; it all produces some kind of physical reaction, and it can either be a good thing or a bad thing. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I’m emotional, I’ve got to get it out, or else it’ll eat at me. But let me tell you, I’ve never been able to just “get it out,” and I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble because of it. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

Let me try to tie it all together for you. To help me do that, I want to share an insight a fellow INFJ shared (mostly because they explained it so well and it made me excited).

“When it is time for us to speak, we sound disorganized or awkward informally because we already know that we have to explain each different piece of information before the person can understand our points.” 

You go girl. Spot on. I would also like to add this, but I’m instead of referring to INFJs as a whole, I’ll just refer to myself as an individual:

Because I’m incredibly private and introspective person, I need you to know all the facts so that there’s no misunderstanding. I have lived in my head for 20 years. I have developed thoughts and ideas that have never been shared. I have analyzed myself up and down, forwards and backwards, and the greatest difficulty I’ve faced is dealing with my own soul. So this is my attempt to become understood. Unfortunately for you all, I have the obsessive compulsive instinct to explain everything in extreme detail, as you can obviously tell. I’m trying to explain my personality to you so you can just begin to understand me. I explain in extreme detail because that’s how I think. What you may consider “rambling” is my way of organizing the little details in my mind so I can make sense of the chaotic conversations I have with myself.

Consider a water balloon; it’s small, but it has a great potential to grow (that is the mind. I’m creating a metaphor, just work with me here). Every drop you add to the balloon is a feeling, which can lead to passion, ideas, and analysis, which then gets magnified when you apply that to personal experiences; then things get real. Everything gets tangled and complicated, and soon, the water balloon is under so much pressure that it breaks. That’s what I’m trying to prevent from happening. (I also likened this feeling to an upset stomach, and when you just puke and get it all out, you feel much better! But I thought I’d spare you the graphics. You’re welcome.)

Let me take you back to the first point I made: I’m an introvert, and don’t really share my life with anyone. My second point I’m trying to make: I’m more than just introverted. I’m extremely PASSIONATE about everything, and it pierces me to the core both physically and emotionally.  I love life, nature, people, humanity, music, art, you name it. As was explained earlier, my passion can overwhelm me to a point where it becomes unhealthy; and it has. I’ve kept quiet not only because I’m afraid of being over-bearing, but because I consider my thoughts to be treasures.

So this is my outlet; my self-prescribed therapy.

I’m no longer going to let my introversion get in the way of letting people get to know me, especially my family. I’m no longer going to be ashamed of being different, and I’m not going to let people tell me to “calm down.” I’m never going to not be reserved and private, and I am by no means sharing every piece of my mind on here, but I’m honestly sick of living in my own head; I can be pretty lousy company after a while.

What I AM going to do is share what I love. I love to think and develop ideas. I love people and the things that have made us each individuals. I love God and the experiences that have brought me to where I am right now. And I love America. We are the land of the free, y’all. LAND. OF THE FREAKING. FREE. That's awesome.

 I may ramble. I may not make any sense to you. I may talk about things that I am ultra-passionate about that others may feel indifferent about. But at least it’s out there, at least it’s out of my head and organized, and at least maybe one more person will learn one more thing about me. And who knows, maybe you’ll actually get something out of it! I may be the only one that benefits from this, but at least I won’t have anything to regret.

So here we are; at the end. *everyone cheers and stops digging their graves because they nearly died it was so long* I know that was a lot of reading and it was a lot to comprehend, but, well, welcome to my world. If people want to know me on a basic level, here’s your chance; people are what they’re passionate about.

So let’s do this.