Depression: My Story

I would just like to let y’all know that I am taking a huge risk by talking about this. I’m making myself very vulnerable in hopes that what I have to say could make a difference and I would hope that you’d proceed free of judgement. If you can’t do that then don’t waste your time.

So.

Depression.

I’ll just come out and say it and not dance around the subject like it’s something to be ashamed of (or like it’s even a surprise anymore).

 I have Major Depressive Disorder.

Now I know what you might be thinking… Why would I disclose this kind of information with pretty much everyone? Isn’t that kind of personal? Ummm, yeah. It is. Regardless of whether you’ve known me my whole life or if you’ve just met me, I would hope that this information wouldn’t make you uncomfortable or scare you away. I’ve been playing with the idea of putting my two cents in on the matter for some time now, and I didn’t know if I would ever come out and admit the reality of my condition, but I can’t really keep my mouth shut about the subject anymore. I’m not saying we should introduce ourselves to others by telling them our problems, but I feel the need to talk about my depression because I see a lot of insensitivity towards those who may harm themselves or even take their own life.

I have four things that I would like to identify as my main purposes. 1) I want to share my story so that you may better understand what it feels like to be depressed. 2) I want you to understand what I’m doing to overcome it. 3) I want to explain the true reality that depression is, as opposed to what you may have thought about it. And 4) I would hope that you would take this information and apply it to your lives.  

Keep in mind that there are different kinds of depression, everyone deals with depression differently, and I really can only speak for myself.

So. Here we go.

PART 1: MY STORY

I’ve been dealing with depression since high school. Did I know it was depression? No, because it wasn’t as serious. It all started as a lack of motivation, spending weekends in bed all day, and being consumed by self-contempt. I felt like the only thing I was doing was disappointing everyone around me. Multiple times I had been asked by loved ones if I was depressed; I honestly didn’t know. The only thing I knew about depression was that you often needed medication, because all I saw was the commercials. So of course, I didn’t think I had depression. I got past the very dark days, pushed on through, and turned out just fine. I did what is expected of people, to buckle down and deal with your problems head on.

But it just kept coming back. A couple times a year, I’d go through the same routine and quite frankly, it was exhausting.

But during the fall semester of my second year of college, I noticed something was extremely off, even more so than usual. The one thing that came easiest to me (school) was now my most difficult challenge. I couldn’t concentrate in class, focus on my homework, or sleep at night. Eating was optional. Social situations were the biggest struggle, and yet, I wanted to be a part of them so bad. Rooms full of laughter made my hair stand on end, and my whole body felt like it was being scratched from the inside.

The first counselor I met with wondered if it was ADHD since I was so restless, but that just didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know of any family members that had dealt with ADHD before, and I never had problems with restlessness when I was younger. I had a daily 7:45 class that I had been sleeping through for multiple days, and one morning, after sleeping through it for the millionth time, it hit me like a million ton of bricks. I woke up uttering the words, “I have depression.” By that time, I had almost stopped going to class altogether. It was then that I finally went to a doctor. But just because I started medication didn’t mean that I was all of a sudden healed. I was trying to convince myself that the pain was all in my head but it wasn’t. I think that’s one thing that people forget. Even though it’s totally unreasonable that we feel this way, it doesn’t mean that the pain is completely fake. The sorrow is so real it’s physical.

I wish I could have everyone experience depression for a day and then maybe you’d understand what I’m saying. Some of you do, I’m sure, but I’m sure there are a lot of you who don’t. I’m sure people have tried to explain, but let me have a go at it.

It’s kind of like hell.

Now I’ve never experienced hell, but here’s my theory: The closest thing we have to heaven on earth is the temple. So what’s the closest thing we have to hell on earth? I don’t think it’s a place. I see it as a state; it’s isolation. Isolation from your loved ones, from the things you used to enjoy, and from the person you would like to be. All you can see is the goodness around you but you have no part in it. Everyone is progressing and happy with their lives, and you’re just stuck in a cage, forced to witness it all.

It’s kind of like that.

(Deep breaths. Here we go.)

Hopefully, in sharing my experience you can get a glimpse of what it’s like to be in a depressed mind. I’m going to warn you, it isn’t pretty (and that’s a GROSS understatement), so be prepared.

The best way I can describe depression is by likening it to a friend.

I wake up in the morning to the same daily song of contempt and self-hatred. She’s there, whispering in my ear all my deepest insecurities, reminding me of my incompetence. While I’m in class, she takes complete control of my body; rubbing my arm, piercing my legs from the inside. All the while, she’s still in my head, singing sweet reminders such as, “You are worthless. You are pathetic. You are ugly.” By the end of the day, she’s surpassed the point of whispers and has reached a sound level comparable to that of a howler monkey. I try by way of positive thinking to put an end to her squealing, but am unsuccessful. All I hear is, “You put this on yourself. You want me here; you brought me here. The only reason you’re miserable is because you are lazy, unintelligent, and over-rated. And face it, you like talking to me.” She is right. She is the only one I have to talk to.

But the irony is that you are, in a sense, your “friend.” You are the one telling yourself these things, and yet, you feel so disconnected from yourself that it feels like it’s everyone else that’s telling you this.

In my darkest state, my uselessness was just as much a reality as the fact that the sun will come up in the morning. There will always be seven days in a week, fall will be followed by the desolate winter, and time will continue to pass. Those are concrete realities. There’s no escape from it, just like there’s no escape from the clutches of my own mind. My thoughts were my reality. My mind was the choreographer and I was the dancer.

The only way I could bear to get through the day was by writing down my brutally honest feelings and thoughts. So let me share with you some excerpts from by far my most painful journal entry.

“I stop telling people things because they just want me fixed. Guess what? I want me fixed too. More than you do, in fact. I too get sick of hearing my own problems. I get sick of it more than you do, I guarantee you.”

“The second someone says ‘do you want my advice?’ I shut down. No, I don’t want your advice because I know. I already know what your advice is. I already know how I should be able to fix my misery. I’m not trying to be miserable for kicks and giggles.”

“I don’t want to be alone, and yet I’ve doomed myself to a life of solitary misery.”

“Just stop being emotional!”

“Most people want to be around other people that are happy and can make them happy. I feel like I can’t do either of those things so what in the freaking world am I good for?”

“I want to just love myself and feel confident, but nothing has proven to me that I have a right to be so.”

“I don’t want to feel sorrow for obvious reasons. But I don’t want to feel happy, because no one cares. I don’t have anyone to share it with.”

“I don’t deserve the love that I so deeply long for.”

“The only real look of love that I ever see is from a dog.”

“I am sick of feeling.”

“Every single feeling that I ever feel is locked inside my mind and stuck on repeat. And that, my 

friend, whoever you are and wherever you are, is why I want to die.”

“I want to die so bad that it physically hurts my body.”

This was basically the theme of my 15 journal entries similar to this one. I was completely out of control. And this is where depression gets dangerous. I don’t thing I can even begin to explain the kind of emotional trauma it takes to want to find relief through physical pain. Just imagine that you have the kitchen knife in your quivering hand as the deafening screams engulf your mind. You hesitate, thinking about how disappointed your loved ones would be if they saw the evidence of your self-mutilation, but the burden of any potential guilt that may come with this decision is much lighter than the burden of pain it might inflict. You feel so numb and cold for so long that pain is simply a reminder that you are still alive; blood still runs through your veins.

So next time you make a joke about slitting your wrists, DON’T.

So here I am. There are more details to the story as to what happened next, but I’ll save it for later. I’ve been trying to tackle this situation for a year and a half, and while the worst of it is behind me, every day is a struggle. I’ve basically failed two semesters and deferred from another, and it feels like I’m getting left behind. It’s about time that I get through this and continue on with my life like I did before. But that’s the thing; it’s not going to be the same as it was before. I have to learn how to function and succeed in a whole new way, and it’s just a matter of figuring it out.

Well now.

Wasn’t that pleasant?

I didn’t share that so you could pity me and reassure me that I am loved, because I know I am. I shared it so you could maybe understand and become more sensitive. If it didn’t work then I don’t know what to tell you.

I want to reassure you that this is no longer my reality.

Well now that I’ve sent you on an emotional roller coaster, I want to switch my focus.

PART 2: WHAT I DID ABOUT IT

We are in charge of our lives and have to take responsibility for our actions. But we can’t control what acts on us, whether it be death of a loved one, an accident, or an illness. What we have control over, ALWAYS, is how we respond to these inevitable events in our lives. So I couldn’t just make it stop, because it was acting on me. With mental illness, there are a lot of things that are out of our control. But this is one thing we CAN control:

Whether or not we get help.

At first, I denied it. I didn’t want to believe that I was depressed. Again, it seemed like an excuse, because even I took it as “giving up.” But on that fateful day, as I was sleeping through class for the umpteenth time, I awoke with the grand realization that this was my reality. I hated my situation. I even hated myself. I had no control over my mood, motivation, or anxiety. I felt like I had no control over anything.

BUT

I still took as much control over my situation as was possible. I saw a doctor, I went to a counselor, and even though every day was essentially a bad day, I did what I could to help my situation. I am by no means extraordinary, but since I’m sharing one of the most personal aspects of my life with basically the whole world, I’m going to do what I can to help people understand.

If someone you know is at the point where they don’t have the motivation to get help, don’t judge and pester them. Lovingly encourage them to seek help, and offer support in any way possible. Just sitting with them could make all the difference, and try not to leave them alone. Again, if they’re at that point, it could be dangerous.

But here’s the point I’m trying to get at…

Depression does not define who I am.

I do.

I personally don’t like it when people say “I am depressed.” To me, it sounds like “I am depression.” But you’re not.

We are the ones in control of our own character. I define who I am by responding to my situation in a certain way, and by letting it affect my character in a positive way. Just because I can’t get out of bed, doesn’t mean that I am lazy. Anyone who really knows me knows that that’s not true. And if you think I’m “dealing with it” by staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself, then I think you’ve missed the point. Just because we go through things that can literally tear us apart, doesn’t mean that we are pathetic creatures that can’t handle a simple blow to the head. Life happens, which includes things that are out of our control.

Ether 12:27 in the Book of Mormon says, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

We are imperfect beings, both physically and spiritually. It is when we realize that we cannot endure without Heavenly Father’s help that we may become stronger in both aspects. We can’t endure any deep struggle on our own. But through the utilization of the atonement, we may turn that weakness into strength. Elder Jeffery R. Holland said in his talk Like a Broken Vessel (and I’m paraphrasing), sometimes asking for help means asking for professional help. Regardless, it takes a little humility to realize that we are not invincible. He also said in his talk, “we are infinitely more than our limitations or afflictions.”

Amen.

PART 3: THE REAL REALITY

I know everyone goes through struggles, but to quote something I found on Pinterest, “saying someone can’t feel sad because someone else has it worse is like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else has it better.”

We all experience difficulties, but I think our downfall comes when we compare our trials to the trials of others. We all have a certain capacity for enduring difficult times, but they’re all different. I may have to endure the same emotional strain that you do, and yet our experiences are totally different. So the reality is we’re all probably experiencing the same amount of pain, just in different ways. You can’t compare them unless you’ve experienced both in your own life.

One thing I’d also like to point out is that we know we’re being unreasonable when we experience anxiety (I mention this because it often goes hand in hand with depression). We know it looks pathetic, and that there is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to help ourselves. Anxiety makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but that doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant. We can’t just “calm down,” because in our mind, there is always something wrong. For me personally, it’s like constant claustrophobia. All we can focus on is the fact that we can’t escape the situation when we used to be able to.

So let me explain something. 

Depression is not necessarily a manifestation of deep, unresolved personal problems. I did not have “problems” before the condition really exhibited itself. I was perfectly “normal.” (At least as normal as a person can be)

“So what do you have to be sad about?”

Depression is not simply about being sad. If anything, it’s more about our insecurities and self-doubt. We aren’t “enough.” We aren’t good enough, happy enough, confident enough, smart enough, or strong enough. Everyone deals with insecurities, which can seem like “personal problems,” but they’re not. They’re simply (and unfortunately) just a part of what it means to be human. So why doesn’t everyone have depression?

For a lot of people (myself included), depression is just a chemical imbalance. The way my doctor explained it was that I didn’t have enough serotonin in my brain to allow myself to “move on” from my insecurities and doubts. They literally took over my mind, and inhibited my ability to function properly.

It is not a frame of mind, an attitude, or a lifestyle.

One thing I’d want people to know is that depression disguises itself as a frame of mind because that’s what it attacks; your frame of mind.

I was writing a paper for an English class about my experience with depression, and my teacher asked me, “What do you really want people to know about depression?”

What do I want people to know about depression?

Depression is more enabling than it is disabling. I know it’s considered a mental disability, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be disabling.

Yeah I’ve gone through some real crap the past year and a half. I’ve failed multiple classes, multiple times, and quite frankly, I’m sick of failing. If you were to look at me right now, it may seem like I’m failing at life in general. It sure feels like it some days, quite honestly. But I’m not failing in the eyes of my Heavenly Father. To quote myself from a previous blog post, “the bitterness that life will bring broadens our capacity for feeling.” Because I’ve been through the darkest days a person can have, I’ve noticed a greater passion for basically everything in my life. I didn’t think it was possible to feel as strongly about trees as I do. But that’s my life now. I love trees. A lot.

So if you were to judge someone because of their depression or the way they were dealing with it, just realize that they are growing in strength, rather than failing in strength. And if you have to deal with it, just remember that you’re becoming more awesome as a person. And that’s awesome.

PART 4: WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ABOUT IT

Why are we so embarrassed to talk about depression and anxiety? In my opinion, I think it’s because a lot of people see it as an excuse. It’s an excuse for being lazy. It’s an excuse for being unsocial. All we’re doing is wallowing in self-pity. But all that does is attack my character. I haven’t been personally attacked by anyone, but the reason I don’t tell anyone of my condition is because I feel like anyone I talk to is going to judge my character. Being ignorant of the situation is only hurting everyone. Those of us that have to deal with it only feel more alone because of the social stigma of mental illness; it’s awkward and uncomfortable. No one knows how to deal with it because no one openly talks about it. So that’s what I’m trying to change. I’m trying to start the discussion.

Here is what I would want people to DO about depression. I would hope that people could avoid judgment. I’m not choosing to “give in” to the temptation. Positive thinking isn’t always going to fix the problem. The problem is that I can’t control the insecurities that enter my mind; it won’t allow me to move on. I know that’s a hard concept to grasp because I was once in your shoes.

If you are dealing with depression, or simply stuck in a rut that you can’t seem to get out of, I would encourage you to realize that there is hope for you. Having hope doesn’t mean that everything is better, or that things are even going to all of a sudden get better. Hope is when you promise the Lord that you won’t give up on Him because He WON’T give up on you. In my opinion, having hope does nothing to diminish the reality of your pain, but having an understanding of hope will allow you to exercise your emotional endurance. Pain is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s perfectly human. If we didn’t know pain, we wouldn’t know joy. So don’t be ashamed if you’re struggling and need outside help.

I think the saying “there’s a light at the end of the tunnel” is funny. The tunnel is still there! It’s still a reality. But the light is only going to get brighter if you continue to endure through the tunnel; but you have to keep moving. Don’t think about the length of the tunnel because it will only overwhelm you. Only concern yourself with what is required of you to take the next step. One of the things that must be utilized is the atonement of Jesus Christ. You don’t have to get through anything alone when you have the Lord on your side.

I know what it feels like to feel out of control. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the one thing you CAN control is whether or not you try to get through it and ask for help, no matter who it’s from. Know that I’m rooting for you, no matter who you are! I guarantee you that if you overcome this, you will have a strength that you never thought was possible.

I love you guys, every last one of you. One thing that this depression has enabled me to do is love someone regardless of their opinions or situation. We all deserve to be loved, no matter who we are or what we do. And it is through feeling that love that has made all of this suffering worth it. If I had to go through all of it again, I would.

Ultimately, the thing I would like you to do is BOMBARD each other with love. In my case, the thing that literally got me through everything was the support that I received from my family and friends; it saved my life. Also, the second to last thing I want you to do is forget that I have depression, if that’s at all possible. I don’t want to be known as “the girl that has depression,” just like (I’m sure) someone with diabetes wouldn’t want to be known as “the person with diabetes.” Again, I am much more than my weakness. I am my strength. I’m happy, you guys. I really am.

The VERY last thing (I promise, it really is the last thing) I want you to do is defend, and be an advocate for, those that suffer from mental illness. They need people rooting for them, just like people root for a cure for cancer.

I’ve shared this poem before, but I think it’s worth sharing again, because it applies to everyone.

Invictus

By William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.

So, if you have any questions or something is still unclear, let me know. Otherwise, let’s spread the word and join the conversation.

Ready.

Set.

GO!