Master of my Fate

This week has been kind of weird. I feel different, but it’s a good kind of different. I’ve felt like I have at least SOME control of my life again. YAY! What good news!

But I was writing some of my more personal thoughts down yesterday that had been kind of a revelation to me. In the process of writing down this “A-Ha” moment, I had unintentionally made an account of my life up to that point. It wasn’t an account of things that have happened in my life as much as it was the account of the experiences that brought me to, and conditioned me for, this point in my life; but I didn’t quite make it past all the painful experiences. I was trying to write it all down to make a point to myself, but instead, I became emotionally exhausted. It was the first time that I had truly reflected on how I became so intensely miserable, and all of the feelings literally came FLOODING back. The pain almost felt as intense as it had been just months ago; it was just too real for me. That experience was not a tiny blip in the scheme of life. It wasn’t just a setback. It brought my life and progression to an abrupt HALT. That wasn’t just someone that I used to be. That was me.

Major side-note: I feel like we oftentimes discount our experiences because we have learned from them and changed in the process. At that time in my life my feelings were my reality, and I’m not going to look back and say, “well, I was just being silly and unreasonable and I know better now.” If we don’t accept that those experiences were real and forget how deeply they affected us and made us feel, then I believe we are in great danger of repeating our own history. Don’t dwell in the past, but remember how it felt.

And it hurt.

It was painful, and the pain of the experience overwhelmed my heart once again. Needless to say, it kind of ruined my day.

But I’ve slept it off. I went to church; I felt rejuvenated. I realize now that it was probably a good thing that those feelings came back as intensely as they did, because now the point I was originally trying to make is that much more meaningful to me. I feel as if it was necessary in order to understand an extremely important concept that I NEED to remember. I’m not going to share with you in great detail the depth of my experiences and how they brought me here, and I originally wasn’t going to share the revelation that I had (mostly because it really isn’t anything new), but I feel as if this is an important concept that we could all be reminded of. Plus, I don’t want this to happen to anyone else, and if someone somewhere at some time can benefit from my experience then I’ve done my duty. You’re welcome. Anyways.

• The most important opinion in your life must be your own.
• The most important person in your life must be yourself.
•   The only person you need to live for is yourself.

(God, of course, is exempt. You should definitely care about his opinion.)

Whoa there lady, isn’t that kind of selfish? Nope. Because in the process of learning to take care of yourself and your emotional health, you will gain the confidence that you need to move forward with less stress. And from that point, you can focus more on others and their well-being because you’re already taken care of. I know that it isn’t that simple. But even if you don’t listen to a word I say, I’m still going to say it because I’m trying to do this thing where I keep myself accountable; if you take every opportunity you have to tear yourself down, you will definitely succeed in tearing yourself down (sounds dumb, but it makes sense in my head).

If you are so consumed with trying to make people happy, you WILL fail. Not only because you really can’t make everyone happy, but because in the process, you will make yourself absolutely miserable. In fact, the best thing you can do to make people happy is to take care of yourself. When you are satisfied with your life, do you just hide in a closet and keep it to yourself? Not usually. In fact, you will gain even more satisfaction when you share it. You will be able to do more good when you are content with being a perfectly average person.

I feel like I’m just regurgitating ideas that have already been said. You hear quotes all the time about being true to yourself, but just hearing it or reading it isn’t enough. It took a kind of mortifying experience to snap myself out of it, and really listen to what people have been saying. Obviously, God thought that my opinion of myself was just unacceptable, and I needed to learn a lesson. I don’t say that with any bitterness at all; Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and he knows I’m kind of a “hands-on” learner. So he gave me a “hands-on” lesson.

It was NOT okay that I was trying to make myself someone that could “fit in” with the average crowd. By doing everything I could to make others happy, I was sacrificing my heart and spirit. I thought my worth was determined by how people saw me. I wanted people to think that I was kind and warm and approachable, because that’s what people like! Positive energy is just downright attractive to people! But I felt like it wasn’t working, so that obviously meant that I was therefore rude, cold, and unapproachable.

For some stupid reason, I thought that if people didn’t think something of me, I was then the opposite. I used a scientific process to determine my worth. IF I can’t make myself a desirable person (which would be measured, of course, by the number of friends I had), THEN I would be marked as the opposite; undesirable. If I’m not one thing, then I must be the other.

But here’s the good part (sarcasm): even if someone told me otherwise, or tried to pay me a compliment, it went in one ear and out the other. Why? I’m stubborn; but also because I had no proof. There was no proof that I was any of those things, so I obviously wasn’t.

And that was just the beginning; there was a lot more to it than just not having friends, but it was one of the things that had led me to my lowest point. But even amidst my misery, there was one thing about me that I had known, but can now accept.

I can feel things so deeply it actually hurts, regardless of whether it’s good or bad. Some may consider this a good trait, but I’ll tell you right now, it sometimes feels more like a burden than a blessing. Just trust me on that (but I know I’m not the only one like this. Yeah, you know who you are, even if I don’t). But because I’ve been to a point of overwhelming darkness, and have felt so low, I am fully capable of the opposite. I KNOW that I can offer an overwhelming amount of love.

Maybe, before this experience, I was incapable of feeling such love. But I feel that love that I’m capable of every single day; it has brought me to tears multiple times. Not because I’m feeling the depth of what I’ve been through, but because I know the point of it all now. Understanding why I needed to have this experience brings peace to my otherwise restless mind. I am incredibly more sensitive to suffering and heartache, and I, for the first time, consider my own heartache a blessing; it’s an enormous blessing to come out on top. One day, when I’m back on my feet, I’m going to be able to use that love for someone other than myself. So I guess there’s another moral to this story:

The bitterness that life will bring broadens our capacity for feeling.

I don’t care if you think I’m an idiot for just now realizing this, because in life, we all basically learn the same lessons. That’s why certain quotes are really popular; they speak to all of us because they apply to all of us. But HOW and WHEN we learn these lessons are going to differ from one individual to the next. So I don’t have to feel bad about that! Ahaha! What a relief that is! Take that, people-that-may-or-may-not-judge-me! You can’t make me feel bad because I’ve been there and done that, and quite frankly, you ain’t worth it!

Mmkay. Deep breaths.

I’m going to let someone else do the talking now. This is my all-time favorite poem, and basically my favorite words to have ever been written. Like, ever. Not only that, but this is exactly what I’m trying to say. So thank you, William Ernest Henley. You da man.

No matter what happens, you have control over your life and how you live it. Please don’t give that control to those who don’t recognize they have it (I hope that makes sense).

Through all of this I haven’t really changed; I just have more confidence in the person I’ve always been. The only thing I’m changing is who I allow to influence me.

Although scarred, I remain unconquered.

“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

Behind the Title

Being human? That doesn’t quite roll of the tongue, and it’s not quite poetic. Being alive? That’s a song; a great song. So it’s obviously poetic. And I hear that all the time, “live your life.” Yes, do that. I know it’s supposed to mean more than just physically living, but in my gut, I just have a slight problem with that phrase.

Physically living: Elephants do it. Dogs do it. Cockroaches do it (even though we all know they shouldn’t). Even trees and simple plant life do it, and that is great and wonderful, but people are alive as well. So what’s to say we aren’t just like every other living thing on the planet?

What is the underlying trait that makes humans different from any other organism in the world? Here is my opinion:

Passion.

As far as I can tell, no other creature on earth is capable of feeling the kind of deep, complex passion that humans can, and have the capability of being able to express such a feeling; it’s simply electric. We can write things that provoke thought and reason. We can create art and beauty that can open our eyes to something that we may have never otherwise considered. And we can create music that arouse emotion we were previously unaware of; if you’re someone that loves music, then I think you know what I’m talking about (if you don’t, I’ll talk about it later). But that’s just considering the arts. Human curiosity has paved the way for developments in science and technology that alter our opinions of reality. It is our ability to feel passionate about something that allows us to develop as a species.

But not everyone chooses to explore their capacity for passion. In fact, from what I can tell from humanity is that the only exploration of passion that seems to be occurring is primarily physical. Please please please, understand that I’m not trying to offend anyone on an individual level. We are all guilty of at least FEELING this way, and I’m certainly not exempt. But this is my problem with humanity; it does nothing for the development mankind.

There is absolutely no growth that comes from exercising animalistic values. Being in non-committal “relationships” with multiple partners is, in my opinion, one of the very basic traits of every other species on this earth; their goal is to continue the existence of their race. The difference between us and every other animal is that they do not have birth control. They’re trying to get the pretty little lady pregnant. They don’t have the option of getting rid of an unexpected birth if it is undesired or inconvenient, and if we choose to do so, that is exactly what can make us inferior to all else on earth. If that is how we choose to live, then we are merely animals.

I’m not trying to attack men at all, because women are to blame as well. And I’m not saying everyone is like this, because that would be far from true. BUT, I hear it from all kinds of people; psychologists, evolutionary scientists, “Hollywood,” and the common man. They all say that it’s a part of the nature of the male species to be with multiple partners. The evidence they use is obviously from every other species on the planet; and they’re not wrong. Like I previously said, the primary goal of all life is to continue the existence of their species. But the point I’m trying to make here is that WE ARE NOT LIKE OTHER SPECIES. You cannot use the excuse of “that’s just the way men are” to rationalize animalistic behavior. And women, you can’t let them use that excuse. “Well, men have needs.” No.

You stop it, right now.

If you expect them to act like dogs, they will act like dogs. Literally. And you know what, it’s not just men. Women are just as much to blame. More and more frequently are women becoming promiscuous because they also have “needs.” I don’t know if it’s because they’re trying to prove that they can be just as strong, or just as irresponsible as men, but all they have are horribly misguided justifications.

Again, I digress.

Yes, I’m being really harsh. But I’m just as passionate about the fault of man as I am about the potential of man. Let me elaborate on the point I have previously made: To truly be human means to do more than just exist, multiply, and die. It actually means taking upon yourself some responsibility and not using your “human nature” as an excuse.

To be human is to have potential. It’s to actually ACT on that potential and utilize our passions to create something. It’s to think and reason and develop ideas that can influence the lives of others or maybe just your own. It’s so much more than being alive. We are awesome. I just get frustrated when we don’t realize how wonderful it is to live like this, and when we take our passion for granted. I’m sure you all are just sick of hearing that word; passion. Passion passion passion. Now it probably sounds funny. So I’ll try to end this as soon as my mind stops. No promises.

 In a round-about way, what I’m trying to say here is that that’s what I’m doing here. That’s why I’ve created this “public journal.”

I’m BEING HUMAN.

Or at least I’m trying to be. I’ve been writing down my thoughts for some time now, but what I’ve come to realize is that there is not as much relief in just writing it down; I’m still the only one that knows. I’m the only one that hears what’s in my head, even if it is written down. I don’t truly feel like I’ve had the burden lifted until it’s shared. YOU all get to deal with the burden now. Suckers. (Sorry, not sorry)

I’m passionate, and I want others to see the world like I do, because I LOVE this world despite its flaws. There is so MUCH good! Being human is such an extraordinary privilege that I just want EVERYONE to want to be passionate. (You see all the CAPITAL LETTERS and italics I'm using? That's so you know I'm serious. I may abuse it, but there ain't nothin' ya'll can do about it. Just know I mean business.)

If we don’t exercise our right and privilege to exercise passion then we are no better than termites. Next time you meet someone that is extremely passionate for something that you are passionately against, just be grateful and respect the fact that they are exercising their humanity. Who cares if you don’t agree with their values? You sure don’t have to love their opinions, but you should love the fact that they are passionate. 

And please, for heaven’s sake, be respectful of that. 

If we can’t agree on everything, then we should at least be respectful. If we can just stop hating long enough to acknowledge our similarities, then there wouldn’t be any room to hate. You may support a woman’s choice to abort a child, and while I don’t necessarily agree with you, I still love and respect you because I have no right not to. You are human just like me, fighting for something just like me. You may brush off my respect simply because we have differing opinions, but that WILL NOT change how I feel. And please, if neither of you are going to budge on your opinions, then stop arguing about it. I think the world is plenty full of verbal pollution, and your contribution isn’t necessary (or mine or anyone's for that matter). I believe bitter arguments can always be avoided, especially if we make a conscious effort to do so. Will it? Probably not, but a girl can always hope. And I always will.

I am very hard on what I see to be the reality of our society on earth at the moment, but that's because I see the incredible potential that we have as a race. Tigers have always been the same since the beginning of their existence. Dolphins have always been the same. Ants have always been the same. They eat, sleep, multiply, and try to survive. They, in essence, are only alive. We, as humans, have been growing and changing since our creation. And that, my friends, is why I believe that we were not just a miraculous feat of evolution. In fact, I REFUSE to believe it. I would actually be upset if we were just a bi-product of the evolution of apes. Even if I’m wrong, I’m going to continue to believe I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, because the alternative would certainly make me feel uneasy, unhappy, and insignificant. But, we do have a divine creator; there’s no way we couldn’t.

Physically, we have been the same since creation, but we are so very different. If the evolution of technology isn’t proof of that, then I don’t know what is. Do you see apes creating the “next big thing?”

Nope.

They aren’t human.

It is our responsibility to NOT simply be an existing species. Feeling passionate about something, or anything, is the best way we are going to be able to separate ourselves from the rest of life on earth. It's not the only way, by any means. But it is the best.

We are human; it’s about time we acted like it.

Let Me Explain...

I hardly ever talk to people. Not because I don’t like meeting people, or don’t care about them, because I do. But you know the feeling when you first meet someone? I know you do. It’s awkward, and you’re either good at making conversation, or you have no idea what to say; there isn’t much in between. I usually find myself in the “no idea what to say” group, or even, “I really have nothing to say.” How are you supposed to remove yourself from that situation?! Just walk away? Nope, because that would be awkward. So don’t judge me if I’m quiet, I’m not always like this.

I digress. You’ll find that I do that a lot, so you should probably be okay with it.

The reason why I don’t like to talk to new people is because I just really hate small talk. However, going to school has pretty much forced me to hone my small talking skills. It’s super simple; just follow this simple list of questions, and if you’re lucky, thinking won’t be required. You’ll be able to have a conversation like every other person at this school (you BYU-I people, don’t deny the fact that you’ve had conversations pretty much exactly like this).

“What’s your name?” Camille.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Sally Swashbuckle!” Nice to meet you.

“So where are you from?” Southern Oregon (because let’s be honest, hardly ANYONE has heard of Medford, which is a pity). Where are you from?

“Africa.” Sweet, I’ve always wanted to go there.

“It’s awesome.” Cool. What’s your Major?

“I’m in elementary education!” Sweet! I have like, 20 friends in that major! (No offense ladies, it was just the first major I thought of, and don’t pretend like you don’t know why)

“What’s your major?” Biochemistry.

“Wow… good for you!” (That is what the majority of people say to me, and I never know how to take it.) Thanks…?

Or if it’s a special occasion, people will say to me,

“So you’re like, really smart.” *cue internal sigh of minor irritation* No, in fact, that doesn’t mean I’m smart, it may just mean I’m crazy for picking that major. But that will be a discussion for another day.

*awkward silence for a couple moments*

“What track are you on?” (I mean really, unless it’s a man/woman talking to a potential spouse, this question is pretty much irrelevant) I’m on Fall/Winter.

“Sweet. Me too.” Sweet.

At this point in the conversation, either you’ve found some kind of tangent to go off of and you might have a decent conversation, or you’ll wait in awkward silence until you are relieved by the teacher starting class. Whew. Glad that’s over.

Alright alright alright. I’m not trying to be critical of small talk, because we have to get passed it if we’re going to get to know each other on a more personal level. Not all conversations are going to be like this, and very few are actually that painful/dull; I know. But I have had this conversation sooooo manyyyyy tiiiiiimes, I might just stop them before they even start. It’s not just that I’m sick of having this conversation; it’s that I’ve never liked it. I just have very little patience for small talk, and it’s mostly because of my personality.

Note: Here’s where it gets a little more personal. Proceed with caution.

If you were to look up the definition of an introvert, you would most likely find my name and picture there. If you don’t know what that means, here’s a couple hints:

• We all now know that I hate small talk, but I absolutely love meaningful conversation. I thrive on it.
• Rarely will you ever see me at a dance or a party where I don’t know the majority of the people there.
• When I do go to parties, you probably won’t see much of me the next couple days. If you need me, I’ll be in my room.
• If you were to have a class with me, you would think that I was super quiet and shy. I’m not usually going to share insights because I need time to think. By the time I think of something to say, the topic will have long passed, or class might be over. Just give me some time and an opportunity and I’ll talk your ears off.
• I don’t open up to people easily. So if I open up to you, consider yourself lucky.

PLEASE NOTE: JUST BECAUSE I’M BAD AT SMALL-TALK DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Please, DO talk to me. Just realize I’m most likely not going to be the one initiating the conversation. So here is the first point I’m trying to make: I’m an introvert. This isn’t earth-shattering news; most people know this about me. Well, let me take you a little deeper.

Note: Here’s where it get even more personal. Only proceed if you care. If you are simply curious, please proceed with an open mind and free of judgment.

You might be wondering what this is all about. Why am I doing all of this? I don’t open up to people really, so why am I making a blog? Hopefully, with some patience on both our parts, I can answer all of that for you. Get comfortable.

Have you ever taken the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)? Have you even heard of it? If you haven’t, Google it. It’s basically an assessment of your psychological preferences, based on how you view the world and make decisions. It does not involve the same science used to determine your horoscopes; it’s based on psychological research. So just keep that in mind.

If you haven’t taken that test, I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you do. It really shouldn’t tell you anything new. If it doesn’t sound like you, then take it again and be honest this time; it may end up putting all the pieces together. I had been meeting with a counselor, and she encouraged me to take this test. When I took the test, and was read the description of my specific personality, it was not a surprise. I basically already knew my personality, but I was unaware that it was actually a “type.”

My whole life, I’ve felt very different from other people (I’m not over exaggerating.  I’m saying like, ever since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, the time in your life where you start interacting with people on a regular basis). Half the reason I have a hard time talking to people is because since I feel so mentally different, I actually feel physically different, so small-talk is physically painful. The hardest part about that is that I could never explain why; why do I feel like I’m on a completely different level than my peers?

For anyone that’s curious, my personality type, based on the MBTI, is INFJ. I’m not going to go into extreme detail about it, or what the letters mean, so if you’re really that curious, just go look it up. I do, however, want to share a couple characteristics so I can better explain why the heck I’m writing all of this (these points were taken from the internet, I didn’t make up this crap).

• INFJs are intensely idealistic, and can clearly imagine a happier and more perfect future
• INFJs want a meaningful life and deep connections with other people
• INFJs are not afraid of complex personal problems; in fact, they are quite complex themselves, and have a rich inner life that few are privy to
• Because INFJs are such complex people, they may be reluctant to engage with others who might not understand or appreciate them, and can thus be hard to get to know
• They are often talented at making connections to bring people together and integrate ideas, values, and human potential.
• The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed

And finally:

• INFJ is the rarest type in the population, comprising of only 1-2 percent of the general population (I’ve also heard they’re just one of the rarest. Either way, you get the point).

Welp. There’s my answer. Why do I feel so different?

I FEEL different because I AM different.

Believe it or not, despite feeling lonely because of my “uniqueness,” I’ve actually found some peace knowing that it wasn’t in my head; my intuitions were justified, so I’m not crazy! But that barrier I put up between myself and the world has created a lot of problems.

When I’m emotional about something, it’s physical. When I’m happy or excited, I can’t stop moving. And on the other end of the spectrum, if I’m miserable, I can’t stop moving. And then there’s everything else in between; it all produces some kind of physical reaction, and it can either be a good thing or a bad thing. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I’m emotional, I’ve got to get it out, or else it’ll eat at me. But let me tell you, I’ve never been able to just “get it out,” and I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble because of it. So that’s what I’m trying to change.

Let me try to tie it all together for you. To help me do that, I want to share an insight a fellow INFJ shared (mostly because they explained it so well and it made me excited).

“When it is time for us to speak, we sound disorganized or awkward informally because we already know that we have to explain each different piece of information before the person can understand our points.” 

You go girl. Spot on. I would also like to add this, but I’m instead of referring to INFJs as a whole, I’ll just refer to myself as an individual:

Because I’m incredibly private and introspective person, I need you to know all the facts so that there’s no misunderstanding. I have lived in my head for 20 years. I have developed thoughts and ideas that have never been shared. I have analyzed myself up and down, forwards and backwards, and the greatest difficulty I’ve faced is dealing with my own soul. So this is my attempt to become understood. Unfortunately for you all, I have the obsessive compulsive instinct to explain everything in extreme detail, as you can obviously tell. I’m trying to explain my personality to you so you can just begin to understand me. I explain in extreme detail because that’s how I think. What you may consider “rambling” is my way of organizing the little details in my mind so I can make sense of the chaotic conversations I have with myself.

Consider a water balloon; it’s small, but it has a great potential to grow (that is the mind. I’m creating a metaphor, just work with me here). Every drop you add to the balloon is a feeling, which can lead to passion, ideas, and analysis, which then gets magnified when you apply that to personal experiences; then things get real. Everything gets tangled and complicated, and soon, the water balloon is under so much pressure that it breaks. That’s what I’m trying to prevent from happening. (I also likened this feeling to an upset stomach, and when you just puke and get it all out, you feel much better! But I thought I’d spare you the graphics. You’re welcome.)

Let me take you back to the first point I made: I’m an introvert, and don’t really share my life with anyone. My second point I’m trying to make: I’m more than just introverted. I’m extremely PASSIONATE about everything, and it pierces me to the core both physically and emotionally.  I love life, nature, people, humanity, music, art, you name it. As was explained earlier, my passion can overwhelm me to a point where it becomes unhealthy; and it has. I’ve kept quiet not only because I’m afraid of being over-bearing, but because I consider my thoughts to be treasures.

So this is my outlet; my self-prescribed therapy.

I’m no longer going to let my introversion get in the way of letting people get to know me, especially my family. I’m no longer going to be ashamed of being different, and I’m not going to let people tell me to “calm down.” I’m never going to not be reserved and private, and I am by no means sharing every piece of my mind on here, but I’m honestly sick of living in my own head; I can be pretty lousy company after a while.

What I AM going to do is share what I love. I love to think and develop ideas. I love people and the things that have made us each individuals. I love God and the experiences that have brought me to where I am right now. And I love America. We are the land of the free, y’all. LAND. OF THE FREAKING. FREE. That's awesome.

 I may ramble. I may not make any sense to you. I may talk about things that I am ultra-passionate about that others may feel indifferent about. But at least it’s out there, at least it’s out of my head and organized, and at least maybe one more person will learn one more thing about me. And who knows, maybe you’ll actually get something out of it! I may be the only one that benefits from this, but at least I won’t have anything to regret.

So here we are; at the end. *everyone cheers and stops digging their graves because they nearly died it was so long* I know that was a lot of reading and it was a lot to comprehend, but, well, welcome to my world. If people want to know me on a basic level, here’s your chance; people are what they’re passionate about.

So let’s do this.